What is toxic gratitude?
Many of us may have heard of Toxic Positivity, which is defined as positivity given in the wrong way, in the wrong dose, at the wrong time. Here’s an example: A friend loses their job and you tell them “just be positive.” In many instances, I believe that people don’t know what to say in these situations, they may also think they are be helping by adding a positive sentiment, and/or sometimes may even be unaware of this statement can invalidate someone’s feelings or experience.
Similar to the idea of toxic positivity, a few weeks ago I read an article that discussed toxic gratitude as it relates to trauma and complex trauma. To briefly summarize, the article proposed that with gratitude being such a buzz word, individuals with a history or experience of complex trauma may believe that they should be grateful for what they have, however, for so many this invokes anger because of where they have been. I thought this was interesting and calls for a deeper discussion, especially as it relates to trauma, but also in a general sense. Additionally, we often don’t know what someone has been through or even what they are going through at the present moment, therefore, it becomes important to create space for others and to be mindful not force our own beliefs and practices on others.
Toxic gratitude also known as gratitude shaming is basically beating yourself up for feeling sadness, anger, or other negative emotions because you should “be grateful.” This can make one feel as if they have to maintain a 24/7 attitude of gratitude and diminish our feelings when we are not feeling our best, having a bad day, or going through tough times, where gratitude doesn’t come so easy. For example: If a friend has minor car trouble, a friend might say some people don’t even have a car, you might say at least you have a car. In this instances, it might just be helpful to listen or ask how you can support them.
Although there is a great deal of research that supports the practice of gratitude, however, I believe that sometimes too much of a good thing used in excess can be harmful. Personally, gratitude has been a daily practice for me when saying my affirmations and every time I journal, so after reading the article, I took a moment to step back and reflect on any way that I may have possibly contributed to toxic gratitude without even knowing it! Therefore, this is something that I am going to take with me when supporting my clients, facilitating workshops, when supporting friends and family, and more!
With all this being said, I want to share some ways that we can avoid toxic positivity and toxic gratitude:
Feel your emotions and don’t deny then( both negative and positive)
Be realistic about what you should feel
Know that it’s alright to feel more than one thing at a time
Create space to listen and support others
To end, I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting to stop using gratitude (especially if it works for you) or spreading your positivity with others, but let’s instead be mindful that you create space for yourself and others to feel those negative feelings too and not just write them off with gratitude.
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